From “The Marginalian,” I learned today the word Agnosthesia and its meaning:

AGNOSTHESIA
n. the state of not knowing how you really feel about something, which forces you to sift through clues hidden in your own behavior, as if you were some other person — noticing a twist of acid in your voice, an obscene amount of effort you put into something trifling, or an inexplicable weight on your shoulders that makes it difficult to get out of bed.

Ancient Greek ἄγνωστος (ágnōstos), not knowing + διάθεσις (diáthesis), condition, mood. Pronounced “ag-nos-thee-zhuh.”

It made me think of certain instances, which may be examples of such situation, despite me being most of the time aware, I think, of the logical reasons behind my beliefs, opinions and decisions. And because of that, I’m glad to know that there’s already a term for it.

One is whether keeping peace, accepting the situation, and trying to manage a difficult work situation a few years ago were the proper things to do? Or should I have exerted my rights more and reported the incidents? The scenarios play in my mind when I will it, but I choose to overcome that ordeal.

Next is people’s relationship with God. An atheist that I met before claimed that <belief in> God is not necessary, since without it, the word will still go on–the seasons will change, people will live until the end of their earthly life, and science explains the phenomena around. What do you make of that? It’s indeed necessary to have some quiet, for spiritual reflection.

The third and last that I had I have in mind is recent. I messaged a guy who has been asking me out repeatedly that I am not comfortable with his repeated requests and to please never ask me out again. I realized that my response was harsh since he was not creepy or impolite, and thought of clarifying with him if he communicates, but since his ego was probably hurt, he did not send a single message after my “reminder.” It was during the Holy Week that I got to think about it. “Why the abrupt reply?” “What was hateful about what he did?” I realized that I felt his affections or rather expressions of affection was superficial, like you don’t see me for many years and suddenly we met, and you suddenly want to be with me? To add to that, I resented, in this situation, being told about me deserving to be loved and respected. I feel that it’s not the way it should be. You don’t like/love someone because they deserve it. You like/love someone because you do. That makes a difference.

Okay, enough of my musings on agnosthesia. It’ll be Monday soon. A hectic week will it be again. Feel free to share your thoughts about the matter, or perhaps, share with me a new, unusual, profound word…. 🙂