What if? I’m certain that you have asked this question at some points in your life. What if I did that? What if I left? What if I stayed? What if I made a different decision? What if I chose a different life? What if I start anew?

So many what ifs.

I’ve had so many moments asking this too. The difference between the younger me and the current me is, the former did those reflections accompanied mostly with some sort of negative emotion — regret, melancholy, even anger. The latter, on the other hand, undergoes those moments like a philosophical or mental exercise, knowing fully well that the past can’t be changed, that the present matters more, and part of being human is to err in making decisions, but still to love and accept yourself fully. The current I understand that life experiences are combinations of free will, fate, opportunities, miracles, but also mistakes and lessons, but that I am not beholden to anyone or shackled to anything.

Years ago, I became involved with someone whose idea of a fulfilled life is living in the province, having a sari-sari store and a billiards area, where people can gather and play and have good fun. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, my young self found it charming and appealing then. But then, he didn’t show decisiveness and courage when a baby came into the picture. The arrival of a baby at 22 years old, at a time when I was just starting to venture out in the world and being expected to handle heavy responsibilities led to some difficult years in the past (which I overcame, of course).

Looking back, I asked myself “What if?” Then this picture came to mind — I’m happily living in a small house in the province, tending to a sari-sari store, hearing some happy shouts from the billiards hall, while my small kids, 4 maybe 5 run around happily, while I carry another child on my hip. (Why this big number of kids? I didn’t have so much physical difficulty with my first and only pregnancy and figured that I must have inherited my mom’s genes when it comes to childbirth, having birthed and raised 8 children easily and gracefully.) This scenario seemed likely then, but now, not anymore, and I am actually grateful to walk a different path.

In another instance, at the crossroads of my career, when I was in my early 30s, I felt deep within that although my first job as an educator was still very close to my heart, I knew that I had to veer away to address a feeling of restlessness, and to turn my economic situation around. In a span of two (2) years, I finally finished my long overdue graduate studies in UP Diliman, took the IELTS exam, took the Foreign Service Officer Exam (FSOE), applied in several companies, almost got in two (2) — as an information officer in SSS Philippines, and as an English language teacher in an international school in Saudi Arabia.

At one point, facing a “road-not-taken” moment between immediately accepting the teaching job abroad or waiting for the results of FSOE level 3 exam despite its uncertainly, I chose to wait. That eventually led me to my current career as a diplomat.

(Photos from my Davao trip in 2022)

For my third and last what-if (there’s plenty of examples, but this will be all for now), what if my late father didn’t pass away 23 years ago? Would we, his children, be closer to him? Would he have been proud of all of us? Would he have stopped working as an engineer in construction firms abroad and instead stayed with my mom, us kids, and created more memories together with the complete family?

Would we have organized a family reunion, bringing Mama and all of us kids to visit our relatives in Davao, a dream my late father had, but didn’t get to do because of time and his health condition in the last few years of his life before passing away at 56 years old? I tried to make this happen — reached out to my relatives through social media, created a group chat, and finally visited twice, with my mom, my brother, and my daughter, with the plan to bring more family members for a visit in the years to come.

What if?

Reminiscing and envisioning scenarios is part of the human psyche. This mental (sometimes emotional) exercise is good for self-reflection, not to blame oneself, not to despise the current life you’re living, but to fully understand yourself, patting your shoulder for your little successes through the years, and learning from your mistakes.

It’s understanding that life is an intricate, mysterious, and dynamic patchwork and how you live it mainly depends on yourself, but knowing too that there are circumstances beyond your control, but still living your life the best way you can (which includes finding time for people dear to you and balancing your life), remaining true to your core principles, and finding joy in the present moment.